May 7, 2012

The Binge

"The food you eat can be either the safest and most powerful form of medicine or the slowest form of poison." -Ann Wigmore

During my lifestyle change, I always have "glorified" my days of binging in my mind. I remember those days as being "easy." I remember thinking, "This is good, because eating forces me to breathe in a consistent rhythm when I'm stressed (I have anxiety disorder)." But, what I've chosen to forget, are the feelings of guilt, shame, and physical discomfort associated with a binge. Feeling sad, out of control, almost hungover, and miserable.

On Saturday, I ventured out to get some Mexican food. Apparently, "moderation" and "chips/guac" don't go hand in hand in my brain. After tearing through at least a basket and a half of chips, I felt bloated, miserable...the last thing I wanted to do was eat my meal. I should have just asked for a box. But, I didn't. I ate quickly. Demolishing the food on my plate. Remembering this feeling of being out of control, but feeling powerless to stop. But, oh well...I hadn't eaten much the rest of the day, so I was fine, right? I kept telling myself, "It's an "up" day, so who cares?" (I am currently doing calorie cycling: high cals one day, low the next, average the next, etc...to keep my metabolism guessing) So, I demolished the huge platter of food I had ordered.

Off to a friend's house I went. Movie time. I was full, I wouldn't be eating any more....right?

Wrong.

Popcorn is a weakness. Especially cooked on the stovetop, in real butter. Mmmm....I thought to myself, "Meh, the day is shot already...just go for it, have a few handfuls." Half of a big bowl later, I felt sick.

Now, the night is ending...time to go home. My brain is saying, "You haven't had anything sweet yet today." But, my stomach is saying, "I'm so full, don't torture me by squeezing in more food." My nagging brain wins out, I go to the grocery store at 11:30pm. Wow, this feels familiar. I used to do this after work all of the time. And it used to feel good, right? So, why wouldn't it feel good now?

I but some ridiculous oreo parfait thing in the bakery section, head home...and dig in. After bite number one, my stomach sends off a warning, "No no no, I do not want this...stop, I am so full I can barely function." But, my brain says, "Eat it! You don't want it in the house tomorrow when you get back on track, eat all of it, quickly, go go go!"

So, I speed up. Eat quickly. Expecting that "rush" to come, that I used to get. Only, it never came. Instead, I sat there miserable. So full I wanted to throw up. Like, Thanksgiving Dinner x 30 full. I felt hungover. Sad. What the hell? Where is that "awesome" feeling I remember? I used to do this everyday, so it HAD to have brought me some joy, right? Right....?

An hour goes by, and I try to sleep. But, it's impossible. My stomach, is cramping. Rebelling against all of the artificial preservatives and ingredients my body hasn't had in so long. All night, I wake up over and over. Doubled over in pain. Furious at my mind and thinking, "Stupid brain...why did you tell me these past 11 months, over and over that binging used to be so awesome? That someday you'd let me do it once or twice a month, just for "fun"? This isn't fun, this is freakin' torture. How could you...?" Then, I'd moan and go back to sleep.

Wow. The power of food. It can nourish us and provide ample energy, or it can take us down in a ball of flames if we abuse it. I'm grateful for my horrible binging relapse, it was a good lesson to learn. Demonstrating that things aren't ALWAYS how we remember them to be. Yes, I still crave sweets, bread, chips, carbs...but, I now realize...my definition of a binge isn't nearly as extreme as what it used to be. My body just can't handle it anymore, and I thank it for sending off the warning signs this weekend to pull me back in.

Thank you body, for telling me to stop. I promise to listen next time. To slow down.

Thank you body, for loving me even when I treat you badly. We're in this together.

:)

E

May 6, 2012

How To Puke Rainbows: Singing Bowl

So, one night when I was hanging out with my pal @marketingmama she showed me this fancy dancy dealio...a Tibetan singing bowl! It really calmed me as she was demonstrating how to use it, so I finally made the leap and bought one of my own at the Midtown Global Market (great spot....if you live in MN and haven't been, well...fix that, and visit!). The dude who owns Tibet Arts and Gifts was so nice, and played pretty much every bowl for me. He then told me to choose the one that had a tone that "connected" to me. The weird thing? I knew exactly what he meant, because the 3rd bowl he picked up really brought me a sense of calmness (yup, I sound like I've lost my mind...but, it's true!).

Anyway, here is my beginner "how to." Even if you aren't going to get into this any time soon, check it out-you never know when it'll come up in small talk, right? haha. This has really helped me with wandering/monkey mind while meditating. Loving it so far!

Enjoy, rainbow pukers.

Also, I'm thinking about continuing the "how to puke rainbows," video series...so let me know if you want to learn about other "zen" practices, or if you have questions about new age hippie stuff (I love it!), it's not scary...promise.

E

May 4, 2012

No rain, no rainbows.

On a daily basis I seem to hear from folks "you are always so happy, I wish I could be as happy as you." This concerned me a bit, because I realize it's easy to misrepresent yourself in the social media realm.

You see, I'm not some super positive person. I'm sarcastic, slightly b!+chy, and have pretty crazy mood swings. I also have anxiety disorder, which causes me to over analyze life on a daily basis. So, for those of you on twitter who see me posting positive quotes and "pep talk" sayings all of the time, just remember this: chances are, I'm posting it...because I NEED it. I'm pep talking myself publicly. It doesn't necessarily mean I'm super happy and feeling like that quote on the given day...it means I'm wishing I did.

I have off days, a lot. I skip workouts. I eat horribly. I treat my friends badly, and my family even worse. I am human.

But, the important thing is to not dwell on those moments. Let love in. As Dolly Parton said, "No rain, no rainbows." We need the "bad" days or "down" moments, so we can appreciate the happy ones when they arrive. I'm blessed beyond belief. So, when I start to feel the depression creeping back in, I force myself to stop. Then, I thank the universe for blessings. Out loud. As I continue to list the things that a right with my world, my mood often times lifts. Not every single time...but, usually it helps.

So, just remember the law of attraction. Give out what you want in your life. It works. Count up the positive things, and there is no time to let the negative bring you down. I call it "happiness math." ;-)

Today is starting off as a down day. I'm in a rut. But, I'm not going to dwell. It's up to me to create good moments, and to allow them to enter my life. So, let's do this.

E

May 1, 2012

100 lbs lost!

So...I did it, I really did it. I lost 100 lbs.

Well, TECHNICALLY...I've lost 103 lbs. :) You see, when I started Medifast (which I am no longer on), I was already down 3 lbs from my highest weight ever. Crazy. A lot of folks were wondering about a before/after pic...I'm still trying to figure out which before pic to use, so that will be a later post. ;-)

Along the way, there have been many victories. Too many to list, but I'm going to give it a try.

1. Wearing a dress.

This is a recent development. When I was bigger I felt as if everything just looked like a big tent on me, since I'm full "up top." Now, it's been pretty fun feeling "girlie" again.

2. Not rushing in horror to untag photos of myself on facebook.

3. Feeling comfortable in an arena seat. (Thank you @fleetsara for taking me to the T-wolves game)

4. Shopping in non-plus sizes.

5. Crossing my legs comfortably.

6. Washing a pair of jeans, drying them...and still being able to zip them.

7. Standing at a concert, the entire time.

I used to make up excuses to sit down, "Guys, grab that table...we can 'talk' then..." (even though we never talk at concerts...)

8. Doing a "heel stretch" again...yay for getting back my flexibility! (I am a choreographer, and used to be on a competitive cheer squad in college)

9. Speaking at events, and not covering up with 2-3 layers of "flowy" clothing to try to hide my size.

10. Shopping...without crying in the dressing room.

But, while these amazing things have been wonderful I still realize there are barriers that aren't going away no matter how much weight I lose. In fact, some problems are amplified.

For example, when getting cat-called I feel panic. True fear. It is not "in" me to just laugh it off. I've written other blog posts about why I feel this way, and my fear of men after a not so great history with dudes who like to prey on women...let's just say, this is something I'll definitely need to do more work on to cope with/understand. I'm also horrible at taking compliments (so I'm told). Often times my response to "You are my hero for all the weight you've lost," is simply, "Haha, whatever! You are MY hero because you didn't eat yourself into a fatty mcfatterson in the first place. I was a mess." I'm realizing, I need to continue the positive self talk, and treat myself like I treat my friends, with compassion. I'm still the same Erica, big...or small. The same heart, same feelings, same self worth. Another thing to work on.

Thanks to everyone for all of the support! Please remember, if my story has moved you in any way...consider giving to my Weight Loss for Water fund. I still have more than 2K left to raise, and time is running out. Just $20 buys water for a child for 20 years, amazing! Together, we can make a difference.

Oh, and before I forget...I was a guest on The Conversation Hub this week! It's a great podcast about conversations, and I talked about twitter friendships, weight loss, charity: water, and a lot of other stuff-soooooo fun! A big thanks to Marc for the opportunity.

Thanks again for all of the support, everyone. The love you send me on a daily basis has made all of the difference.

Be present.

E

April 16, 2012

Thank You.

:)

April 11, 2012

Ch-ch-ch changes...

Hello, friends! I would like to take the chance to thank the folks at Minnetonka Medifast so much for helping me get my life back the past 10 months. On their program, I successfully lost 95 pounds.

Once you reach your goal with Medifast, they have a Transition and Maintenance program to ease you off of the plan. After thinking about it and speaking with my Medifast counselor, I feel with the education they've provided, I am equipped to continue the weight-loss journey on my own.

Medifast has taught me how important it is to have someone to talk with about your weight, feelings associated with it, and to identify and have an action plan for situations that provide additional temptation. High five!

To be clear: my journey is not over, I will still be checking in! Thanks for all of the support online, and offline rainbow pukers :)

-e

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Disclosure: I received free product in order to evaluate and comment on my experiences on the Medifast program. Medifast products and the Medifast program are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease or illness. Any medical improvements noted while on the program are related to weight loss in general, and not to Medifast products or programs.

March 21, 2012

Sometimes I Miss Being Invisible

When you are fat, in some ways you become invisible. People are ashamed to look you in the eye, I'm not really sure why-but it definitely happens. I won't get into the details, but when I was thinner...in high school, and college, I had some negative things happen regarding dates I was on, and my body. I guess I just looked like an easy target? Who knows what those type of jerks are ever thinking? I escaped relatively unharmed, physically-but after two close calls of fighting off advances with kicks, screams, and punches, one of which required the help of people nearby...you just, shut down.

I didn't want attention anymore. Granted, I was never some "hot fox" or anything. But, subconsciously I thought...if I surround myself with food, get bigger, and less attractive, I'll be safe. Nobody will WANT to do something like that to me again. And it worked. I became invisible.

Was I happy? No. I realize that now...but, the important thing is I didn't feel fear when I walked out of a bar, or when I was alone with a man I didn't know very well. Years later, in my late 20's I would lose a substantial amount of weight (45 lbs). I was ready to take my life back, or so I thought.

Then, I was riding a bus on my way to work and a man sat behind me. He leaned forward, and I tried not to let it phase me. He whispered, "Hello, pretty girl...I hope you're ready. I've been watching you. And tonight, after you are done with work-I am going to find you, rape you, and nobody will ever know."

I froze in fear. Feeling sick to my stomach. A panic attack coming on. I didn't know what to do. I just wanted to get off the bus. Now. Far away. Help.

Luckily, my stop was next. The mall, downtown. Tons of people around. I bolted for the back door. He stood up quickly and started to walk after me down the street. I'm petrified that I'll be pulled into some alley, but honestly-too scared to scream, my voice completely gone. Suddenly I hear a voice, a older man who had been on the bus as well. He yelled, "YOU! Stop. You dirty dog. I know what you're up to. If you think you'll get away with it, you are mistaken. I suggest you walk the other way before I call the cops....NOW."

He looked at me and smiled, "And you, dear...don't you need to be somewhere? It's ok. Go."

I've never walked so fast down the Mall. Petrified. The first thing I did, was bury myself in food from our vending machine. Why? Two reasons: 1. I couldn't speak, or breathe...eating forces me to do so. It's a coping mechanism when I feel a panic attack coming on. I'm not proud of it, but -it's all I knew, at the time. 2. I just wanted to be invisible again. To gain my weight back. That must be why this happened, right? Nobody talked to me before.

So I did. I gained it back, and then some. And I was once again invisible.

Over the course of the next year, I had therapy for various reasons. My divorce, and myself. To be honest, I should go back. Everyone would benefit from a good session. ;-) Through it, I came to realize that I needed to take control of my life...and that by living in fear, through food-I was actually killing myself.

So, fast-forward to now. I'm down 90 lbs. It's nice. Moving and everyday tasks are so much easier. But, some things never change. I wore a dress last week. Voluntarily. I was proud of myself. Why? Because I haven't voluntarily worn one, for 4 years. Excited about getting out there to show the world the results of my hard work, I posted this photo...and was off to a wonderful gala.

But, as I walked in...I didn't feel empowered. I felt scared. Petrified. I usually talk a mile a minute, to everyone. Instead, I was nearly mute. If a man would shake my hand, I would look at the floor in fear. My gal pal and I talked to some men who were standing around during the cocktail hour, they were asking about our jobs, etc...and I felt like I was in a different world, like I couldn't function properly. She ended up answering for me, telling them what I did for a living. Then, I was hit on, but instead of flirting back or being proud...I felt panic. The eyes looking at me from the ground, up...put my stomach in knots.

Of course, as the night progressed things improved. I was seated with a table of people I've known since my "before" days, and that made me feel at home. I was, and AM so grateful for them.

But, I realized...sometimes I miss being invisible. As backwards as it may seem. I know the trade-off isn't worth it, in the long run...my health is more important, and I'm learning to deal with this feelings of fear. Life is about creating yourself, not about being defined by your past. I've decided that sometime soon I'll take a self defense class. Also, never again will I allow someone to touch or speak to me like that without talking to the police. I was too afraid to do it before. Fear is paralyzing.

Thanks for listening. As I post this, I wipe my tears and hold my head high. Why am I sharing this extremely personal story? I really don't know. Please be gentle.

It's time to puke some rainbows.

-e

(shameless pitch: remember...if my journey has ever inspired you, this is how you can "inspire me" back) http://mycharitywater.org/meeterica

March 19, 2012

Inspired? Pay it Forward :)

First things first, this week I had a good weigh in (despite being off plan last weekend...I bounced back, worked out a lot, and stuck to plan mon-fri, yay!). Down another 2 lbs, which can only mean one thing:

LESS THAN 10 LBS TO LOSE, AND I HIT -100 LBS!!!

My total weight loss with Medifast is now 90.3 lbs. So, the countdown begins to -100. To be honest, you'd think I'd be feeling on top of the world and invincible-but, instead I'm a little afraid. That is a big milestone. I don't want to fail.

One thing I never get used to, is being told I've "inspired" someone. A dear friend of mine, @LutherLiz and I talked about this the other day (her blog is great btw, chk it out!). I completely agree with her. I'm actually more inspired by all of you, who've had the willpower NOT to gain 100 pounds in the first place.

Nevertheless, folks have also asked "what can I do to best support you?" They've asked about checking in with workouts, menus, weigh-ins, sending positive quotes, etc...but, to be honest the best way to support and help me, is simple: help others who don't have the luxuries we do. How? (here is the sales pitch...except, it's a damn good one-so stick around, rainbow pukers).

PLEASE CLICK HERE TO DONATE TO MY LOSING WEIGHT FOR WATER CAMPAIGN

2 years ago, I raised $11,111 to drill 2 wells in Ethiopia for charity: water. It was by far the proudest moment of my life. Even losing 100 pounds doesn't come close on the scale of how I felt when I knew we were saving the lives of more than 500 people. Drilling another well, in honor of reaching my 100 lb goal, would be a dream come true. What better way to celebrate my life, than to give some rockstar child in a 3rd world country his/her own chance at a new life?

I have the luxury of having enough food at my disposal to make it possible to GAIN 100 lbs. Most folks in the world aren't so lucky. I also take clean water for granted. Millions of women and children walk more than 14 miles just to get water for their families. It's contaminated, but it's the only source they have. Children are dying every day, just because they don't have clean water. You know what? That's ridiculous. Everyone should have that basic need. Without water, these kids are pulled out of school to search for water sources with their mothers. Families have no other choice, but to sacrifice education and health to survive.

How can you help? Just $20 gives clean water to a child for YEARS. Freakin' amazing. So, give what you can...when you can.

What does this have to do with losing weight?

Some folks have told me they'll give $10 for every pound I lose on my last 10 lb countdown. (i have 9.7 lbs to go, so that'd be a $97 donation in total). Others say they'll give $1 for each pound...that's JUST as important. You have the power to change a child's life forever, and with each gift my smile gets bigger...and my motivation grows. A few folks have said they are holding their donations until I hit my goal, and then they'll give. That's awesome, too! Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. We opened this campaign over the weekend, and have raised hundreds already. Dozens of lives have been saved. And, I've been an ecstatic, bawling mess because of it (good tears).

Thank you for supporting me.

Thank you for loving me.

And, thank you...for helping me help others.

Pay it forward, rainbow pukers. Let's save some people! :)

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Disclosure: I receive free product in order to evaluate and comment on my experiences on the Medifast program. Medifast products and the Medifast program are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease or illness. Any medical improvements noted while on the program are related to weight loss in general, and not to Medifast products or programs. I am not paid in cash. If that was the case, every dollar would go to my charity: water campaign...and maybe towards buying you a unicorn. ;-)

March 7, 2012

before/after....kinda.

So, I've been struggling a bit-because I promised myself I'd post a before/after photo when I reached 100 lbs lost. First, I'd like to clarify why I'm afraid. NO, it's not because I think I'm "SUPER FAT" or "NOT BEAUTIFUL," in my before photos....let's just get that out of the way. Yes, I was sad-but, I've never beat myself up about my looks, etc...it's allllll good people.

OK, so why am I afraid? Let me explain.

Some people don't know how to talk to/or about, a fat person. Yup, I said it. I don't blame any of you for not "getting" it, since it's a weird thing to try to talk about. But, let me give you a few tips about most folks losing weight.

1. I do not want to hear about "how faaaaaat" I used to be. I get it. I lived it. You don't have to talk about then. Talk about now. I've actually had people say, "how did you get so FAT then!?" or, "Oh wow, you used to be huge!!!" That still kinda stings, just be mindful.

2. Remember that you are an inspiration, just as much as I am. So I lost some weight, so what? If you've managed to AVOID gaining 100 lbs, then you're actually MY hero...give yourself a pat on the back.

3. Dudes, please do not give me the "up/down" when you are talking to me about weight loss. Just because I shed some poundage, does not give you the right to "linger" on my new curves. It's still creepy. ;-) Compliments are nice, I appreciate it...but, c'mon-be polite.

Okey dokey, now that that is out of the way...I have some progress photos. I still have 11 lbs to go until I reach 100 lbs lost, so you'll have to wait for the full before/after until then.

Lately, I've felt as if I haven't been making progress. Things have slowed down a bit, as they should-since I'm getting closer and closer to goal. It wasn't until I tried on the same dress I tried on 3 months ago, that I realized, WOW-my body really has changed. Not only is this the same dress, but in the 2nd photo I'm wearing it a size smaller as well. Yippee. Overall, since the 1st photo was taken in Dec, I've lost an additional 25 lbs on Medifast. I guess a little bit every week does add up! Fun!!!

What is your favorite before/after success story out there? I'm sooooo visually motivated, I'd love to check it out! :)

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Disclosure: I receive free product in order to evaluate and comment on my experiences on the Medifast program. They do not pay me...if that was the case, I'd buy all of you unicorns and ice cream. Medifast products and the Medifast program are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease or illness. Any medical improvements noted while on the program are related to weight loss in general, and not to Medifast products or programs.

February 26, 2012

A Binge = A Victory?

First of all...I need to get a weight loss total update posted for you folks, so sorry it's been awhile.

This week I was down another 2.5 lbs, yay! For a grand total of 86.8 lbs lost on Medifast so far. Yaaaaaay!

One thing I haven't talked about very much is support system. It is SO key to surround yourself with folks who care about your journey. My mom is one of those people. Each week she texts me on weigh-in morning to wish me luck, check-in, and to tell me how proud she is. I love her to pieces, if you can't tell. ;-) She is a prime example of how to accomplish amazing things, even after 50 (but to her credit, people always think she's my sister). All of her life, my mom has been a walker. But, a few years ago she decided to try running (despite a hatred for it, haha). She bought a Jeff Galloway book, and has been training ever since. I'm so proud of her. Now, instead of hating it...she looks forward to running, and has made it a part of her life. What an inspiration. Mwah! Another thing to note: she is one of the only people that, at my highest weight...expressed concern for my health. Not in a "you're soooooo fat," kind of way. In a, "You are my daughter and I want you to outlive me," kind of way. I will forever be grateful to her for doing this in such a loving/kind way. What an amazing woman. Also, she taught me how to do makeup---> which is a girlie indulgence I have. I "glammed" myself up for a concert on Friday night, and this is how it turned out-fun! As dumb as it sounds...I used to cake makeup on all of the time at my heaviest weight. Hiding behind it. I've been trying to avoid that, as I continue to lose-but, feeling all girlie and crap was refreshing. ;-) haha.

So, what's been going on with me? Well, a lot of victories OFF the scale! A few things I realized this week.

1. I can shop all day, in mid-height heels...and my feet/back still feel fine at the end of the day.

2. Movie theatre seats. I'm no longer petrified that I won't fit into them. I cannot tell you how amazing this feels.

3. I stood at a concert the other night, and never even thought about sitting down. Not once. I was excited/jumping up and down, and not out of breath.

4. I am now the size of the "average" woman in America. I'll say that again..."average." I haven't been able to blend in with the public for years, and now I'm "average." Big smiles. And hooray for vanity sizing ;-)

5. I bought this coat more than a year ago, and it finally fits!

Yaaaaaay victories! But, the biggest victory of all?

I BINGED.

Yup, you heard right. I ate the crap out of some candyland popcorn and amazing gourmet chocolate. And I don't mean a little...I mean a "stuff my face in panic" type of binge. Totally off plan, in a haze, without breathing, it was all a blur. I felt horrible after it happened, ashamed...crying. Not because I went off plan, but because I felt like I was spiraling out of control.

Why is this a victory? Because, for the first time I didn't allow it to take over my life. I got back on track the next day, instead of waiting 2 days, 3 days, a week, a month. I acknowledged that I am human, and moved on. In binging episodes past I would have had the "screw it, I already ruined the day...let's go make mac n cheese and pizza to top it off." But, this time I didn't. My "binge" time period was a matter of an hour, instead of months. That's pretty awesome, if you ask me.

***Disclosure: I receive free product in order to evaluate and comment on my experiences on the Medifast program. They do not pay me...if they did, I would buy all of you unicorns to express my thanks for your support. ;-) Medifast products and the Medifast program are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease or illness. Any medical improvements noted while on the program are related to weight loss in general, and not to Medifast products or programs.